busy keeping up with the fast-paced yesterday, today and tomorrow.
inactive online because of the other wonders of internet
prone to sickness, physically, mentally and virtually.
Today was fantabulous, i released all my sixteen years of distraught. Now i feel new, i feel like a wholesome girl. I cried, i snorted, my whole body shaked, i let it all out, it was ugly but worthwhile. It was such a wonderful ending. Unfortunately now, my eyes are playing tricks on me, i'm too tired even too even write, i can go on and on about AKLTG programme but my eyes are already halfway down, and my lips' burning from the excessive airconditioning on the programme and my throat is starting to coarse from the screaming and also because my body is almost out of fuel.
I am going to get up early in the morning tomorrow, and tell myself how fortunate I am, how wonderful life is, and lastly, how our beliefs can make us stronger.
I cried because everybody believed in me, and because i didn't believe in myself. How selfish was I? Not anymore[:
I love you ma, and pa, I love you so much, I don't need to say it, saying it wouldn't mean anything, I want to prove it to you guys ma, pa. I will show you how much i love you. I love my friends. Most of all, i love myself. I have learnt to love and respect myself before all comes together, that was the first step.
Be like a wine:
"Car depreciates overtime. Wine appreciated overtime" -Leroy Frank R*
To know life's philosophy:
"to play after every storm" -Mattie Stepaneck
May 28, 2008
♥9:48 PM
Attended school's Adam Khoo Learning Programme, it was fabulous. Energy-driven, eye-opener, heart-cracking, and even at some point, heart-breaking with their tales. I feel really fortunate to get this treatment. Thank you Regent Secondary School for allowing us to partake in the programme, for giving us the chance. I appreciate it so much.
Lastly, i would just love to tell the world that:
♥I LOVE YOU FEROZ
May 27, 2008
♥10:24 PM
"Hate, is what fuels our war. Bloody lips, don't listen to love. I can sing songs, i can sing about how i feel. I know that this is wrong.
Step over, step over that clever line, Gotta figure out which side is right. Choose destiny to live by, if you want to live or die or fight. And only one side wins. What I think of this I don't know. It's not that i'm afraid of dying, it's just i'm so afraid to live.
Some say suffering's not much, but i say stop."
-From Meg and Dia's My baby's better than your's
Tedd said i'm paranoid, am i? I can't stop thinking about it, about all these.
We're just humans right, we do what we do best. Lies, fakes, parodies, cheats, acts. We're all not human yet, a monster, beast, animal, ghoul. We all made mistakes, and it's still my mistake I hold. I am just a parody. Until i stop, I can never be complete.
I feel like telling the world love, i really do, but i'm scared to.
May 26, 2008
♥8:14 PM
I pondered and mulled over Adee's words in her blog. I just realised, as i watch my friends in crisis, i never took the initiative to help them, instead i watch helplessly as they cry. And they fall, and i'm just there standing, not knowing what to do. I was never there for them when they need me. I'm a useless friend. I still don't know right from wrong. I love them all the same, but i was never there when they needed me, when they were there when I needed them. What was I thinking?
I pray that the natural disasters will make every person stronger, I pray that they will be fine, knowing that god is giving another chance to live.
I know this isn't the best time to be, only god knows how much and why i'm this way. I pray to god for guidance, I pray so that the aftermath will be over soon, I pray, for anything and everything, trying to make myself believe that everything will be fine, but my beliefs are far from my hopes. And my hopes seems impossible from where I am. The only person I can blame is myself for being this way, for the outcome.
I can't seem to stop thinking. I want to change, I really do, just tell me how.
I don't know really. At times I regretted ever having to know Feroz and Tedd and the rest, I don't know why. My hearts sinks at the thought of that. My eyes blurred and stomach churns. At the same time i'm really happy that I knew them, but I don't really know what would've happened if i never met them. I miss my friends, the ones I had for nearly four years, and I feel so dumb. I feel so wrong. I feel so...
Why oh why Amee did you ever doubt them. Stop your childish games Amee, you're old enough to know whats not to be toyed with anymore.
♥stalker boy you know i love you
May 25, 2008
♥4:11 PM
I'm so happy, i can eat again. I can sleep again.
...and you cured me.
Yesterday was 24 May 2008^.^ and today is 25 May 2008:
♥HAPPYSIXTEENTHBIRTHDAYNJ:D
May 24, 2008
♥8:19 PM
Went to Marina rooftop with the company of Stalker^o^
Promised mum to be home sometime around 8pm, so here i am.
You thought the oppose, so did I in some way Somehow, it all came to an end Soil our hearts and as our fingers sway What took you so long my good good friend.
I may be happy, but i still can't eat. My tummy's acting all wrong at the wrong time. I get severe headaches after consumption of anything. Oh my, i promised you i'd eat so yeah- I AM FORCED TO EAT -.o I have no idea what to eat. My tummy's burning, i don't know if its hungry or it doesn't want to eat. Sigh, i don't know whats wrong with me, i can't sleep, i can't eat. I can't take care of myself. Oh God, may everything be fine for me.
I can't sleep, i've been tossing myself and rolling and stuff, for three hours and I managed to fall asleep for only a short time of about fifteen minutes, waking up with a sudden nothingness for no particular reason. My stomach is churning and my head is being so stubborn. I don't know why i'm complaining about this here. I think this is what you call gastric. The day before yesterday i ate so little. Yesterday i had 2 small sandwiches for breakfast, a few mouthfulls of mee goreng for lunch and some rice for dinner, at around 12am, i ate a tiny chicken wing. Not to forget the countless panadol pills i've been consuming, it's taking a toll on me. I feel like fainting somehow, but something is against me of blacking out. I honestly want to fall asleep, or just faint, my body hurts so badly. Once again today, I feel like throwing up. I want to go out toms, to study and do some art.
Honey, the morning spent you cried yourself to sleep Honey, the afternoon wasn't meant you stared at the screen Honey, the evening wasn't godsent you thought and thought of the week Honey, the midnight plan you cried over and over, you weeped.
Ohmy, i forgot, my brother just replaced the guitar string like yesterday. How could I have forgotten. Tell mary and cardigan weather, here i come ^o^
May 23, 2008
♥11:10 PM
Stomach hurts, so badly, i feel like taking those panadols again. Furthermore, my head is just spinning non stop. I can't seem to land myself in a deep sleep. My mind keeps singing and doing something else, my mind's burning itself and I can't seem to help myself but to think and think. It's not stopping to let my head rest, it keeps going on and on and on and on. I can't seem to sleep. I'm off for another attempt to sleep again.
sigh, what's wrong with me?
Flipping through old photos, i remembered when i was young, i was stuck to my mum. I didn't want her out of my sight, i held her hands, i was a crybaby. I was petty, crying over the slightest things, for example, there was once in KL, I wanted fries, then I sat beside this patch of grass and didn't want to stand until I got the french fries. I remembered clearly what i said- "Nak Fran Fry!" My parents had to persuade me and promised they were going to get more later. I was shy and quiet in the presence of my cousins. I was around 4 years old, we were all in Australia, my uncle asked me if i wanted this cowboy hat that he got for everyone. I wanted it so badly, but i was too shy and scared to say yes. I looked up at my mum, and she asked if wanted it, i shook my head instead. Then i regretted not saying yes because i played with my brother's cowboy hat which was too big for me.
One of the days where you don't know what to do. You seem to be watching TV but your mind seems to drift. You're hungry but don't feel like eating. When you eat, even just a little, you feel too full and feel like throwing up. You want to stay in the showers forever, feeling the waters pitter patting on your back. You want to stay in bed and imagine yourself rolling and falling off the bed, and just stay there. You want to sit and just do nothing. You want to lie down on the floor and ask yourself what's wrong with yourself. You want to look at old photos and remind yourself how innocent you were. You want someone to tell you what's wrong with you. You want to forget everything, hoping that you'll get amnesia. You want the answers, but everything seems to be just a maybe, or just an "i think so".
After popping pills after pills of panadol, my backache seems to be gone but my head is starting to feel heavy. I can't get to sleep. I force myself to eat just so i can consume the pills. I feel like eating more of those panadol hoping somehow, it can help me, just hoping, but i know it does nothing much. I feel so empty. My mind is pondering over some things i ought to consider. My tummy's churning. My legs feel like jelly. My fingers seem to be shaking, but i feel hot. Can someone please tell me why.
May 22, 2008
♥5:09 PM
Sigh. My eyes are heavy. School and the after school seemed like such a daze. I accumulated a headache from the afternoon heat.
Somewhat, somekind, somehow? Maybe Something, someone, somebody? I think I forgot, i don't know? I don't think so Someday, sometime? Maybe satisfied. I think.
I learnt from mine and also everyone else's mistakes: 1)It's no use talking behind whoever's back, you gain nothing, instead you lose yourself 2)Refrain from saying things you know you are bound to regret sometime later 3)Be brave in confrontations, be truthful because you know it won't hurt, it makes the picture 50 times clearer 4)Accept critics, because they are advises that you need to eliminate your flaws.
I miss you, my biting monster:B
May 21, 2008
♥7:02 PM
Guess my ma was right, i changed downright into an ugly person. I dont know really, thats what my ma implied 2 weeks ago when she told me that i've changed, and she doesnt seem to be reacting on how i expected her to react about it when i started talking. She wasn't on my side when she started her debate on my changes. Sometimes i just feel like crying ma, because i thought you would understand better at a crisis like this, maybe you did, so you warned me or something? but it was more like a dislike when you said that, more like sarcasm. I really am turning into an ugly monster ma, i hate to agree with you on this ma but this time, you're right ma.
Today in school, had a malay convo with Shaz, this was how it went-
Amee: kita harus bertawakal! Shaz: Tetapi tawakal tanpa usaha, apa gunanya? Tak berguna langsung!
Well, hope the convo might kick some sense into my brain.
Today was full of silly laughters created by the silly japanese/chinese girl sitting beside me. Intensive malay is simply making me insane, 6hours of malay for three days-_- We were in malay class, i kept conversing in english though i tried to talk in perfect malay or so, it just wasn't rightfully successful. And the silly one beside talked in chinese! oh my, that tickled me the most, she sounded like a mad chinese woman. Me, Ira and faree were victims of the silly japanese/chinese mad woman, she was a joy today, with her sporadic hyper active self. I couldn't stop laughing, imagine sitting beside her for 6 hours? oh well. She drained all my energy out with all her sporadic crazyness.
peanut
May 20, 2008
♥11:03 PM
I couldn't blame you guys for being hopping mad, i would've been mad too. I'm just really sorry, don't feel the need for any explanation, doubt you guys would even care for one. I'm terribly sorry, just a hint, i didn't ditch you guys, i ran away.
Back to my day, it was a fine fine day. Wouldn't miss today for anything, spent time doing malay workbook and reading "Panrita"
♥hugs and cuddles
May 19, 2008
♥8:54 PM
I had a pleasant day catching up with Adee on our lost time. Hugged that girl, i missed her so much. I talked, told her about yesterday and the days we were distant.
♥My heart is still in a state of utter satisfaction.
♥The stars will fly someday The reflection of the moon splashing into the sea All hearts in toil come to an end Oh the dearest heart Pray and hope, for only time will tell.
Went to East Coast with the drama people. They played sandcastles, i played those in air. They played with water, i sat down and stared. We took a few pictures. I detached myself from the group. They had their share of fun, I had mine♥
Nonstop pesters. Tickles and giggles. The time I almost exploded, i wanted to pee, then when we reached train station, haha, i remembered, the peeing place. Sending giggles to my heart now thinking about that.
one of those days where you feel contented although the world is silently stabbing at you. utter bliss.
May 18, 2008
♥2:23 AM
Met up with Belle after a long time, missed her so much, hugged her[: She was late but i was used to it. Then headed to bugis for the gig, saw Feroz, gave me a big hug, i missed him too, and saw Tedd, which of course i missed too. Simple notecase performed, could see that Fad was super angry, poor him, poor Simple Notecase. Anyways, after PaddlePOP performed, we wanted to go sisha but the weird manager was scolding us about underaged people. BIG SIGH. Then said to ajid i missed him and gave hima hug. Belle had to go to meet her friend, gave her a super big hug♥ Eventually we got to sisha at some other place. Wheee[: And the guys watched jackass, eww, that show should be like ugh, not for people of the weak hearted. haha, had to go home, so gave Feroz another super big hug before leaving. Then bumped into haziq and friend, gave him a hug too because it was his birthday. igaveawayalotofhugstoday! haha. Thats about it for today[:
May 16, 2008
♥2:42 PM
I'va changed so much this year, i wonder if i'm doing the right things. Constantly thinking if the changes overruled the yester years where i used to talk about my friend behind their backs, that was what all of us did, at least i knew i did. I'm sorry girls if i ever talked about you guys, sorry Ain, sorry Naja, sorry Ira, sorry Shaz, sorry Fanee, sorry Lolu, and especially, sorry Syafiqa.
Sincerely apologise from the bottom of my heart. In other words, i'm not trying to say we all shouldn't be friends anymore, somehow i'm sick and tired of my own talkings, i'm scared i'll talk about you guys again, to say bad things, to regret the next day. Somehow, i feel that this had made me drifted apart from you guys, maybe i'm the wrong party here. I'm scared one day you guys will talk about me too, and it will be a never ending story once again. you know how it goes, i talk about you guys, you talk about me, and then we find out what happens, or vice versa, followed by an act of indifference the next day. I'm really very sorry girls. To tell you the truth, i really have drifted apart from some of you, but sometimes i think, i did a wrong thing, and i know now, it's hard to get back like we used to, sometimes i feel like trying, sometimes i'm scared, i feel like giving up again. Sorry.
May 15, 2008
♥8:12 PM
HOW COOL WAS IT, WEST GRAND BOULEVARD AND ALLURA PERFORMED THREE SONGS EACH- IN SCHOOL. It was such and exuberant day, heaps of screams came out of me though i was fasting. Oh my, i loved WGB guitarist, the japanese guy, least i think he's japanese. The samurai guy, his name is Hokusai if i'm not mistaken. Took a pictue with both bands. Personally with Inch from Allura, with Hokusai from WGB and Gayle Nerva- the one on singapore idol, she came to support her love from WGB. It was cool, talked to her, said she preffers Nafa than Lasalle. Today was unimaginable. It was the first time ever we felt like going out of school late. AWESOME.
(pictures will be posted when i get it, though my face seems to be all tired and *gahhh)
May 14, 2008
♥8:38 PM
The energy of the afternoon has dissipated, turning into the night of utter lazyness. Suppose to have my assignments completed by now. My brain is tossing itself about, trying to clear up the foggy mind fresh from the bed. Trying to think of ways i can do to activate myself- nothing. Mind's blocked, nothing goes in, nothing goes out. Lethargic and feeling like getting back to the softness of the bed, knowing that it won't possibly happen because i have to complete the assignment. Should i, or should i not? Randomly thinking of lasagnia and shepherd's pie, how i wish i can just get a bite of both, the taste of lavish food in my mouth would certainly entertain my idleness. Oh well, i have to get going and get back on track, remember my unofficial oath- to not resort to slacking in any means.
bare feet in the summer. open windows at night.
May 13, 2008
♥4:48 PM
School was an absolute bore, i knew i was going to screw my papers. Got the results today, i flunked ALL my papers. Darn, i feel so bad, plus, mum's going to ground me forever. The best i did was for Art, 56%, imagine that, that's the highest i've got. Darn mid years, i'm going to work triply hard for my prelims, i promise. I will make myself go a big u-Turn, i won't resort to slacking when i'm stressed, just remember, i have the opportunity to study, studying is the ultimate importance. I WILL DO THIS. AMEE- DO NOT GIVE UP!
May 10, 2008
♥9:59 PM
(this is random, the ultimate random) WOOOOOOH! Post harcore, just so you guys know, i do listen to them. From first to last, missed them on my blog. Can't wait to save up to buy more of their album, me and my dearest cousin already own "Dear Diary my teen angst has a bodycount" and "Heroine". They're one of the few bands i love oh so much. Sonny moore has been out of the band for a long time, but i love his voice all the same. (he sounds like ronnie from Escape The Fate). I still love Sonny's voice- Sonny's awesome! (once again, i'll say this, this F*ckingly random!)
The morning air,abit nippy. Just woke up from the thirteen hours of sleep, refreshing. My eyes are awake and my head is fine, i'm no longer nauseous from the lack of sleep. Just a tiny bit monsterous now, smelling food but they're nowhere in sight. Tummy's constant grumble, mum's heating up some food. Waiting. Tummy's going abit louder. Breakfast here i come. The food's calling me. All's set and done.
May 6, 2008
♥6:50 PM
This is me, the time i won gold, instead lost it to outrageous politics.
Look at me up there, so dynamic and energetic. What differs me from now and then, is that. I get lethargic whenever they want me to come for trainings, i'm just plain hard lazy. I've not been training for about five months, long days of lazyness, i'm planning to quit, but i sincerely missed all the fun. Thoughts of rejoining after O's, but oh well, i'll be a slack by then, muscles all so tense, that it'll be hard to warm them back up. I miss those times.
I chatted on the phone with an old friend yesterday. He asked me - "what happened to you?". He asked me if i've forgotten the clan. He asked me where were all the words i said, he asked me what happened to the clan. He asked me was it that i had no friend that i came to the clan, that i used the clan as replacement. I don't know really. I'm sorry if i have been negligent, and that i chose not to meet up anymore. I figured that we just didn't click, he cried on the phone, i was out for reasoning. He blamed himself, i blamed no one. He blamed me, i blamed no one. I retorted, reiterated each time, that it just didn't work out, we were close because of the competition, and that was the only time we spent with the whole clan almost 4 times a week. I tried to make him understand, but he couldn't, i tried to tell him i didn't feel the attachment, but he wasn't listening. I was irritated, he didn't know. He told me his problems, he didn't know mine yet. I told him i've given up, i don't know what happened to me, maybe it just wasn't meant to be. He still questioned me, i still couldn't answer. Maybe that was part of my venture, looking for somewhere where i am nascent, which i feel i now. Why can't people just stop thinking of themselves and think others for once. He's thinking that maybe it's his fault that we don't hang out anymore, it's his fault, he cries almost everyday, i know i should pity him, but there's just an element missing, there's no same interest anymore, i just find it plainly annoying now, the further he digs it in, the more i repel. Why think of himself, we all know it's over buddy, WHY THE FUCK DO YOU QUESTION? I used to think were best friends, i'm sorry i said that, maybe because you said that, so maybe it was on impulse that i said that too, but i can't take back my words can't i?
sigh.
Belle and me(and nutri soy), goofed. Belle and me(and nutri soy), stares.
May 4, 2008
♥1:02 AM
my heart in a state of sheer halycon, i further mulled over Ira's words in her blog. How long have i been living in the world constantly intoxicated by miasma's? the winsome feeling is a portent of the salubrious atmosphere i've longed for, and so i've stepped into that world, finally. for once, i am nascent, giving me the possesion of divine afflatus, i have learnt to assuage myself. I threw away all my misgivings towards anything, along with some of my illiterate manners. I have my trust and faith in God, he gives me all, both good and bad, for reasons i will one day understand. My heart is no longer in vulnerability, i will stand forth and won't take back my emotions, i won't pretend to be anymore. I will be when i want to, at home, in school, and anywhere else, my face will tell my affectivity. everythings moving so gracefully now, ever better than before.
today was splendid, i was out to heart thumping excercise. I was set, off venturing to a skatepark i've never been, asked along by Anis, a girl i've never met. the afternoon was a turn off, i didn't set my foot on the park due to the humidity. I started off sometime during the evening, when the cool atmosphere setted in- surrounded by sweaty boys and some half-naked. Only a pathetic number of two girls active in the park, the only girls there. I was bashful at first but realizing that it was not much of an issue, i started off real slow, but ended off real well.
I skated for awhile. It was invigorating, reminiscent of the past days where Elly and Ana was my weekly skate buddies, but due to the hectic programmes for Olevels they packed themselves in, they are not as free as me, living everyday with daily nothingness to get rushed into, shifting my importance to something not-so important. nonetheless, i still know that i have my endless endeavors left untried. i shall once again be part of the studious geeks, in my another attempt to walk in the right direction.
Silly Billy peanut is sick, hope you're doing well. Have been away from Ira, for a whole day, how much i miss her, and also Tedd and Peanut.
Don't make a raucus people, Peanut is just my best friend[:
May 2, 2008
♥3:43 PM
With the overwhelming feeling of lightheartedness, i have come to the realisation that i should be who i want to be. I try my mighty best not to judge people anymore. I should understand that i am not the only one who is trying to change, everyone is. A classmate i have, she's really trying to change, maybe not many can see that, but i can, good luck girl, i support you all the way. Sometimes i ponder, maybe i am changing into a better person but nasty at the same time. Now i have my priorities, very different than the previous year, so much has changed, i have changed, i have my reasons. I have come to the notion that some people are just out there to irritate, they often get over-the-top with too much too many sarcastic phrases. Why, it is real hard to convey my emotions, this is the bestest way. I am not implying on all the readers, but sometimes, i just find those words too blunt and i just might not feel the need to tolerate anymore. For me, i try my bestest to stop myself from being overly sarcastic, i tried, so far, i haven't been socialising much, i've been keeping to myself, but only minority knows what i really think. So for now, i prefer keeping everything safe and ensconced in my nutshells.