The dust crowd

May 23, 2008 ♥8:49 PM

Flipping through old photos, i remembered when i was young, i was stuck to my mum. I didn't want her out of my sight, i held her hands, i was a crybaby. I was petty, crying over the slightest things, for example, there was once in KL, I wanted fries, then I sat beside this patch of grass and didn't want to stand until I got the french fries. I remembered clearly what i said- "Nak Fran Fry!" My parents had to persuade me and promised they were going to get more later.
I was shy and quiet in the presence of my cousins. I was around 4 years old, we were all in Australia, my uncle asked me if i wanted this cowboy hat that he got for everyone. I wanted it so badly, but i was too shy and scared to say yes. I looked up at my mum, and she asked if wanted it, i shook my head instead. Then i regretted not saying yes because i played with my brother's cowboy hat which was too big for me.

One of the days where you don't know what to do. You seem to be watching TV but your mind seems to drift. You're hungry but don't feel like eating. When you eat, even just a little, you feel too full and feel like throwing up. You want to stay in the showers forever, feeling the waters pitter patting on your back. You want to stay in bed and imagine yourself rolling and falling off the bed, and just stay there. You want to sit and just do nothing. You want to lie down on the floor and ask yourself what's wrong with yourself. You want to look at old photos and remind yourself how innocent you were. You want someone to tell you what's wrong with you. You want to forget everything, hoping that you'll get amnesia. You want the answers, but everything seems to be just a maybe, or just an "i think so".

After popping pills after pills of panadol, my backache seems to be gone but my head is starting to feel heavy. I can't get to sleep. I force myself to eat just so i can consume the pills. I feel like eating more of those panadol hoping somehow, it can help me, just hoping, but i know it does nothing much. I feel so empty. My mind is pondering over some things i ought to consider. My tummy's churning. My legs feel like jelly. My fingers seem to be shaking, but i feel hot. Can someone please tell me why.